The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.
I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.
Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
You asked to borrow my glasses for a moment. Then you whipped them at someone's head.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
