I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
Free tacos and bad night are never used in the same sentence
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
A little boy in a bathroom stall just shouted "mom where's your penis?? Is it inside you?"
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
I told her to to let go of her rationtal thoughts and just enjoy the fact that i was going down on her till she passed out from sheer orgasmic pleasure.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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