So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
we lost you for like an hour and then found you at some dive bar trying to teach dance lessons
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.
It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
i know i should keep better track of the things that i put in your vagina but i've put so many things in there it's hard to keep track
Who had my phone last night? Whoever it was sent "Fuck you, you're adopted" to half the people on my contact list.
He used the panoramic camera on his iPhone to take a picture of his dick. And it actually filled it. Pretty sure I just came.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
You cannot meet up with him at the tailgate, his parents are there. What are you going to say "Hi I'm the one who fucks your son, can I get a cheeseburger?"
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
She was talking about how a garden gnome was hitting on her the whole night. We thought she was just that high, but turned out the gnome was that guy in the weird hat.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
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