Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
Randomize
