hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be
I'm still with the girl from last night. remember to call me conrad and that i work for PETA
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
you can't tell me you didn't shit your pants I saw them in the trash can by the bathroom.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Holy shit, you lost your virginity on 11/11/11. Now every time someone fucks you, they can make a wish. Your vagina has officially been transformed into a wishing well.
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Just keep my face away from hard objects. And by that I do not mean erect penised.... those are totally fine. It's more just things like rocks, table edges, blunt objects, etc so I don't get another concussion.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
There's literally not a single picture of him with a shirt on. I can't talk to him without dislocating my eye balls.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
Randomize
