There is no way to make a throwing up smiley so just picture it....
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
Watching Blossom reruns on YouTube. Eating Pringles dipped in hot chocolate. Not taking this breakup well.
He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I've fucked him twice and literally had no idea that he's missing a thumb
Idk maybe I'll talk to him once he gets out of jail just to yell at him and get my strawberry ice cream back.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Alan said you can come over and eat me out anytime you want, as long as we give him enough notice to hide in the closet before we arrive
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