I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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