god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
Its a bummer that corporate america doesn't believe in $2 u call its on a Sunday night
I bruised my dick hopping over that fence last night
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Dude. There are selfies on my phone of me, wide-eyed, sucking my pillow. We did NOT split that bag 50/50.
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
Whatever I'm getting wasted, my costume's bomb, and there's a good chance I'm getting laid. Not letting stupidity ruin my night!
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I can't wait to get home and brush the fuck outta my teeth.
Literally.
I blew him while the canoe was sinking...I think of it as the better version of the titanic
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
Yeah, let's go with that. Fuck that weak moment of complete honesty I just had.
yea i'll help you find a man. but, when I say jump, you say on who.
Randomize
