I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
We just made mixed drinks in the bathroom of burger king. This is sad.
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".
I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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