I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
I just woke up at my desk with "To Whommmmmmmmm" typed on a letter. I have no memory of waking up, getting dressed or driving in.
He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
Why don't you throw your vagina at it and see what happens?
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
he had hair everywhere except his balls
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
Randomize
