I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch
Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?
IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.
Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I was desperately holding on to my sandwich while we had sex.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
he wouldn't lick chocolate syrup off of me because he's vegan. most awkward shower ever.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I can't believe we broke the fucking lamp.
*i* can't believe believe we broke the lamp fucking.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those đ
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes âI drove you last nightâ\nâYou got your dick sucked in the back seatâ
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