Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night
i got kicked out last time for laughing
We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
made the entire pub sing the british national anthem, puked, rallied, then peed in a telephone booth and have pictures to prove it, taking tourism to another level since 2012.
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
i want to shrink myself down to penis size, climb inside of her pussy and just live there for a few months.
oh and apparently my boobs are named "have no fear" and "plenty o'beer"
When we were having sex last night, I told him I would replace him with tacos
think before you get married my friend it's my birthday and just got done jacking off
So his dick was definitely bigger than it looked in all the pictures he sent my daughter.
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
Randomize
