Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.
engineering majors are such efficient drunks.
I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
tinder day one and i already had more guys message me about "the girl with the big tits in my second picture" than about me. MY 17 YEAR OLD SISTER CAN GET LAID WITHOUT EVEN HAVING TO MAKING A PROFILE
to be fair she does have a great rack
Just to clarify, i'm coming over for tacos not a threesome
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
