i just smoke outta the biggest bowl i've ever seen. the kid was totally compensating for a tiny weeenie.
haha you were like: "I don't want to uh pressure you.." as you took your own shirt off
I did that thing again where I get way too drunk and go gay. Then wake up in the morning and freak out at the person. Yet another bar I cannot go back to
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?
i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok
she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.
Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night
I dunno. Last time I went there I had got sexually propositioned by a Belgian prince.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
And I also succeeded in getting kicked out of a bar when I was drinking straight from the vodka bottle at our table.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Being responsible doesn't make memories.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
Randomize
