Vomit. Vomit. Whatever. You wear a tiara in public.
oh jesus shes a lukewarm mess
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?
you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."
The beers last night were like the tears from god
I think i lit a firework with a joint. happy birthday, america?
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
I asked her why she was drunkenly masturbating to Iron Man and all she replied was "Robert Downey Jr". As far as excuses go, that seemed pretty legit.
The stripper told Tom to sort his life out
I just woke up drenched in beer, in a puddle of beer, and cuddling a bottle of tequila
I have only made 3 good decisions in my life and getting really stoned reenacting the Lion King with my cat in a lion mane hat is 2 of them.
What doesn't this kid understand that our relationship is not going past the blacked out blowjob I gave him on his birthday?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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