Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Why is there a cactus in the microwave?
Don't worry about it.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
I learned three things this morning. Don't get out of my car without my keys, don't let a girl paint my nail unless I'm getting laid by said girl, and lastly I learned how to break into my own car.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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