She made me repeat after her: "I take responsibility for what I put in my own mouth."
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he fingered my asshole thinking it was my vag...I couldn't bring myself to tell him, mostly from shame for me and pity for him
he picked an earring up off the bar floor and tried to give it to girls as a present.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
All I know, is I had green sex and beer and got driven home. That's it.
Did I really make a PSA to that garage party that you wanted to bang him?
You gave a whole fucking speech. It was inspiring.
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
My cousin was arrested on a class b felony for selling meth out of the back door of McDonald's where he worked. Apparently it was the extra special sauce.
It was a career choice to be sure... Mistakes were made.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
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