So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"
He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.
I hate freshman.
So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing
while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.
My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.
we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Randomize
