Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
We have a guy passed out in the bathroom with one of our pots. Not sure if he's your friend so I let him be
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
Ended up at the strip club, got told I should be a dancer 4 times, got free tacos and my hot TA slide in the dms. How was your night?
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
Are you ok? Who pooped in my office?
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
And then there was cum in my hair and he was making beans.
All I know is I woke up in the back seat of my car, with the engine on, and my gps navigated to florida.
She woke up, peed in the sink and then passed out again, it's only 2 in the afternoon
Randomize