So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.
We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Just used the pen i got in my signing ceremony to pack down my bowl. coach would be proud
this morning's inventory: a top hat, two empty bottles of everclear, half a slim jim, cigars, tiara, pot necklace, and some fishnets. and that's just my purse.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
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