Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.
you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.
I regret nothing
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
All I know is....there's beer in my camera. How do I know? Because I can pick up my camera,shake it and HEAR, the beer in it
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
That accounts for only three of the penises
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
I'm on the same pooping schedule as a professor I've never had. He now says what's up to me in the hallway
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
Randomize
