he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
I'm on a no morals kick. That'll be 3 girls in 24 hours....ending 2011 with a bang
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Don't send the creepy guy a picture of your penis. That's my Christmas wish
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
You might be at the point of severe desperation when you gotta hold the two pieces of your broken vibrator together just to get off.
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Are you drunk texting me again or are you just being your regular stupid self?
yes
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Randomize
