I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
lets start a swedish sibling band together
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend
I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?
lol... you weighed it?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
He balanced a treat on his nose, and then he rolled me a joint. My bf is the best pet ever.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
