I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
he said i was chugging vodka in the parking lot, gave my # to a married man, started a food fight, and passed out at the bar. how could he NOT consider that a good first date???
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Like I want to yell at him for pissing on my floor but there's still a chance its my pee....
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
My potted cactus died. I am literally less nurturing than the desert.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
