it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
We had a quickie at work in the office. He walked out before me, and I fell asleep while waiting a few minutes to walk out. Yeah. He's got that change your life dick
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
I went to watch porn and there's already 3 Santa videos. Happy November 1st.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
i bet he makes cat noises to excite himself.
day drinking didnt prepare me for this..
Randomize
