I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Drunk walkin through police station. America
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Remind me in the future that chugging dog codeine is not the best idea.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
I had 2 bags of iv saline fuilds for brunch and the buffet at the strip club for dinner. happy easter.
i keep seeing little orange spots im starting to freak out
you tried mixing adderall in your visine last night..
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
You'll never fully grasp an awkward walk of shame until you run into his mom while you're trying to sneak out. Then to make matters worse you have to ask her to mover car because it's blocking you in.
and I lost my effing shirt.
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