I don't think ill make it tonight the floor wont let me walk
the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Make sure to show her the sewer we were arrested in on your tour.
THEY WONT LEYT ME IN AND I REALLY NEED SOME FRUIT
how bad is she
captain morgan with tits
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
one minute he's happily playing with a lighter and the next thing I know, he's screaming and the swing set is on fire
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I've been eating like all day, let me suffer my one 'Dear lord, I'm the size of a small whale. One that doesn't even need to find being killed by illegal whaling because I'm not even big enough to provide an decent blubber, but still big enough to be considered for a brief moment.' moment in peace.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Randomize
