Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
Not even the dog will look at me anymore.
You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
I've been practicing for you. Including stockpiling medical supplies for curing hangovers.
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Have you picked out a bathroom stall in which to fuck? Since you've got all this free time before her plane lands...
They only searched every other person. But I sacrificed myself to get our vodka across the border
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
Her tits are so fantastic they gave him a panic attack.
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