he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.
You called me twice to tell me that you spit in your own eye, when I was right next to you.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
Yeah he's still asleep. I washed the blender out. He tried to make a ham-shake. Lets wait until after break to have that talk. I kind of want to see where this goes.
the ladder is at the bottom of the pool
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I'm doing running of the bulls tomorrow at 7am...except in New Orleans roller derby girls chase you.
My ultimate goal is to get laid wearing a horse mask... That would be awesome on all possible levels
This is not 2004 anymore. It's not acceptable to get fingered while watching 'Ferngully' in a basement full of your friends.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
I swear to god if you settle for a trump supporting packers fan, I will not acknowledge your children. You're better than that.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Randomize
