God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I'm back in the dating scene now... Since the legality issue calmed down. And my stalking charges were dropped.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
You made me drive your car so you could give the dude from the parking lot a BJ in the back seat. Classy.
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
Randomize
