Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
Did you know that taking off a bra with teeth burns ninty calories?
It was just a Craigslist hook up but she wore sweats. Where are the girls with class?
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead
TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
I wanna suck that fisherman's dick.
I Projectile vomited a massive question mark on Brent's bedroom wall. Don't tell him it was me. I want him to play the whodunit game.
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