We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
hahhahahha. mid doggie-style, i faked an asthma attack. the sex was that bad
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
No I need this job. I actually contemplated buying a vibrator with my dad's credit card the other night.
If it makes you feel any better, I'm eating a block of cheese...
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
What is the proper Father's Day protocol when you're sleeping with a guy who has kids?
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
