Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.
i took my sailor hat off and used it as a vom bucket
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
and lets be real... who can blow a middle school class's sunday school teacher and keep a straight face ever again? NOBODY.
You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them
It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.
I've friend zoned this boy hard. I made him change my nipple rings before he went home.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Just bought plan b at 8am. Then the cashier asked if I wanted to donate to the children's miracle network. Fml
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
