so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!
If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
Drunk wheelbarrow races might make the top 10 list of dumb shit weve done. Especially considering all the broken glass around...
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?
Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.
Oh god. I just had a sex dream about the talking dog from the Bush's Baked Beans commercials.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I can't adult today.
Take a nap and try again
I have to buy a couch. There's nothing more adult than buying a couch on a Tuesday.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Randomize
