I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
If for no other reason than to cuddle with that puppy, you have to hook up with him again.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
My mom always wanted to raise a classy lady, it just turned out to not be her daughter.
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Im glad your laughing because im currently convincing my penis you didnt mean it and its all gunna be ok.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
I didn’t spend $100 for a wax to sit here and listen to you FT your brother to complain about how bad the Jets are.
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