Dude WTF? His teammate just started talkin to me on fb! Am I walking around with a "I like to f**k gators" on my forehead?
No, it just says ur easy
someone owes me an orgasm
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite
He compared my vagina to the first time he tried cocaine
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
