You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
omg just made cake vodka jello shots, sooooo excited
dear god these taste like death. death and sprinkles
T minus 20 hours until we forget our names, find some city cowboys, and g&t into the night.
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.
I fucked R2D2 last night. I consider Star Wars day a success.
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
There is a baby in my apartment. What the fuck happened last night?
Randomize