This is not my ceiling
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Don't be alarmed by all the Dick cakes in the fridge. But please don't eat..i accidentally broke one in half you guys can eat that one. Its labeled free Dick
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
I can't tell if my need for dick is more than my want to strangle him
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
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