You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
Turns out the bartender I fucked is the bar owner. WHY THE FUCK DO I PAY FOR HALF MY DRINKS? IS SEX NOT TIP ENOUGH?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Who is naked dude in the kitchen?
Randomize
