I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
I was in the bathroom throwing up...when I walked out he was sitting there watching porn and jacking off. He said, "Sounded like you were gonna be in there for a while."
yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
I would call you but I don't feel like these hands belong to me.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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