We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
they almost convinced me to put "Funbags" in the 'other names you may be known as' section of the job application
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
Whats a good hint for stop bitching im gonna give you head
just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.
we live in such a classy society.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Growing a beard is gonna make smoking a pipe look so much more majestic
Come here I'm naked
And I want mozzarella sticks
When breakfast is a rum &coke at the office Christmas party you know it's gonna be a good day
God does not give you boobs that amazing to not share them with your friends
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