My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.
I think i can hear god laughing at me and yelling "thou shall pay for thy habits of underage drinking" through a megaphone directly at my eardrums
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Post-sex nachos deserve a song.
Third base with a 7ft basketball player last night. Fingers like a champ. I call him Edward Penishands.
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
There is what appears to be urine on the woman's bathroom sink. I just have so many questions right now.
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
he offered to let me fuck his brother , of course im marrying him
Randomize
