ii just google-imaged 'sad turtle' and maggie gyllenhaal only came up once. what is the world coming to?
Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it
She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA
I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
I'm gonna have to kick a girl scouts ass...
we had sex while we waited for the thai food... a which will come first type of situation
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
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