The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
after we had sex last night he told me he smelled like my vagina. and then he said that if his roommate had a vagina he would probably smell like it. because "they hug weird and shit."
Omg just woke up. 6am. random apartment. broad daylight. bunch of ppl doin coke around me. Theres a bridge nearby. I think my dentist is down the block. Oof.
You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.
Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.
If it looks really sketchy and smells like burnt pizza and pot you're in the right place
Also I'm sitting home alone with a big ass bowl of marshmallows right now just eating. It's so sad.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
Did we smoke in a portapotty last night? And if so, do you think the brown stuff covering my body is actually dirt?
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
I love how my parents bring water bottles filled with vodka on family trips
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