I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.
why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
In America we eat man semen.
we found him in the shower with a bottle of jose saying "this is Mexico's fault"
we ran out of cups so i finished the night drinking out of a paint can.
He said last night that he'd never had such a great conversation and such a great handjob at the same time.
You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
At least one of us had a weekend full of money and dick
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
You know it's time to do the dishes when you take shots of water out of a sake glass...
And you wonder why you're always one of the guys?
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
Ok, there are marshmallows shaped like elephants
She’s either doing coke or thinks my cock has the Covid vaccine. Either way I haven’t worn clothes in 3 days
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