Dude, I was completely sober last night, didn't puke on my shoes, went home with an incredibly beautiful girl, wore a condom, and didn't wake up in a puddle of urine this morning.
hah, sarcasm, classic
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Yep if he's taking selfies he's probably on drugs again.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
Randomize
