I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
god, you should never be in the FBI. you'd give away america's secrets to any boy who asked.
flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
He said I could liberate his beef and all I could think about was how I don't eat veal for political reasons.
I think I'm in the negatives for the quantity of fucks given today.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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