Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
there is nothing worst than getting kicked in the face by a stripper
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
The last thing I remember from that party was me shouting "hold my feet I'm going in strapped like Rambo"
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
I think I just got booty called by someone I've never slept with or even really had a conversation with before.
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
I just elbowed a roll of wrapping paper, and said “ohh sorry”. I’m still drunk.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
