i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.
Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
We were in the middle of a serious discussion about social justice and he pulled sequins out of his teeth and kept talking like nothing had happened.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
I need to just embrace dildos and cats and call it a life.
YOU HAVE BEEN BAD TOUCHED BY THE LEPRECHAUN OF CHOICES
I'm just impressed that you can puke without losing your gum
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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