his name is not nearly as fun as i thought to yell out in bed
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Considering how much money I just spent on slutty lingerie, it is totally appropriate for me to be plucking my nipple hair right now. Right?
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Bro. I traded my coat. I have a Raiders coat now.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Randomize
