he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...
I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
I got really upset at the McDonald's worker. They should serve nuggets 24/7. Apparently 5am is breakfast for some people.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
why is there blood on my car? and are we still friends?
You were typing for me while I was hyperventilating into a paper bag on the floor.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
