i will never coherently bang her
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
She made a roadhead CD. Can I marry her?
We were debating whether you had hooked up with him. I was right for the record.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
It's like those toothpaste commercials where 4 out of 5 dentists would recommend your vagina
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
My liver is preforming stress tests.
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
I already plan to donate my brain to science so they can attempt to fully understand the complexities of my existence
I just had drunken sex with an eagle scout behind the boy scouts of america building. what has my life come to?!
i just found a lighter in my bra... from last night, and its 7:43pm...
raging hangover at work with a lunchable dreaming of the sex ill never have. my life is perfect.
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Randomize
