Turns out I'm a social drinker... I just happen to be REALLY social.
WIFE SWAP. FAMILY OF MIDGETS. LIFETIME. NOW.
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.
Ew! He's just a child!
AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.
When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?
So the bitch asked me if I wanted the name brand or the generic contraceptive. Does it look like I want to be generically pregnant?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
I fucked some frat guy. Then I found my brother after and made him take his shirt off and then I made him tell me he loves me
Can we go to the gas station to get cigarettes before we get drunk. It's hard enough to say Marlboro sober.
His dick is a skeleton key. It fits everywhere.
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
Randomize
