I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth
Sounds like a blessing in disguise
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I need a second opinion on who's blood is in my car.
I thought the one perk of the low caliber of men I've slept with thus far in my college career is that I would never run into them in the library. I've been here for ten minutes and we're on number three.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
Looks like I accidentally stole two of your beers and left my pants at your place.
How did you leave without pants?
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
