I gave her a mint afterward. It felt like giving turndown service at Hotel BJ.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
Making cookies for neighbors. Spill beer all over dough. Bake anyways. From good neighbors back to the shitty college kids next door in under 3 seconds.
i think ive reached a prime reproductive point in my life or somethin- i see gingers and all i want to do is have their babies. like my body knows that i have a to carry on a legacy
He even wore it to bed. What the hell. He's too excited about that goddamn costume.
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Which one of you drunk assholes put a parental lock on my cable box last night? More importantly, what's the pin? I'm missing the UK game.
Something about finishing sexting a guy and him going "well. I have to get ready for Passover now" really makes me rethink my life choices
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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