just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
Girl next to me just said "as a guy I used to sweat but not I don't. it's awesome" Oh. My. God.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
When I said to shut up, I meant it. I'm sorry you have a bald spot now, but it was necessary.
Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
I mean, what's the polite way to say, "sorry but I can't date you cuz I'm sleeping with your boss" ??
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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