I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
Like either my tits got bigger or I've succumbed to Trumps tiny hand syndrome
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
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