Just gargled Fireball to get the fish taco taste out of my mouth. Almost as good as gum.
That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I had a spiritual reading tonight and my dead grandmother called me a whore.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Bring me pizza. I'll trade you your underwear you left here for 2 slices.
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
Randomize
